Superheroes in Mzansi: What Would Batman, Thor, and Deadpool Do Here?

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If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Gotham’s finest or Asgard’s loudest were forced to live in South Africa, let me tell you: it wouldn’t be the glossy cinematic experience you’re used to. Imagine Batman, brooding and mysterious, but instead of swooping dramatically over skyscrapers, he’s stuck on the M1 North during peak traffic, his Batmobile inching forward like everyone else’s battered Toyota Corolla. No amount of gadgets in that utility belt can get you through bumper-to-bumper Jo’burg traffic when someone’s spilt a truckload of mielies on the highway. I can just picture Alfred on the phone: “Sir, perhaps it’s time you invest in a scooter.”

Thor wouldn’t have it much easier. The god of thunder, hammer in hand, all mighty and glorious—until load shedding kicks in. Picture him mid-battle, raising Mjölnir with lightning ready to strike, when suddenly Eskom cuts Stage 6 and everything goes pitch black. His hammer clatters to the ground, he stubs his toe, and he’s reduced to yelling in Old Norse because even gods know the pain of hitting the corner of the coffee table. I’d pay good money to see Thor fumbling for a candle like the rest of us while muttering about prepaid electricity vouchers.

Spider-Man? Poor guy wouldn’t last a week. Swinging through New York is one thing, but swinging through downtown Cape Town means dodging minibus taxis, tangled power lines, and that one guy who insists on selling sunglasses at every traffic light. Can you imagine? One second he’s mid-air, the next he’s caught in a web of overhead electrical wires while a taxi driver hoots at him for blocking the intersection. Forget “with great power comes great responsibility.” In South Africa, with great power comes the risk of being mugged for your sneakers.

And don’t get me started on Superman. The Man of Steel might be faster than a speeding bullet, but can he survive Home Affairs? Even with X-ray vision and super speed, he’d probably still end up in the wrong queue with a number slip that says 157 while they’re only on 12. Kryptonite? Please. The true test of Superman’s endurance would be waiting four hours just to renew his driver’s licence card, only to be told the system is offline.

Of course, Wonder Woman would shine here. Not because she’s immune to our nonsense, but because I can see her using the Lasso of Truth during load shedding schedules. “When exactly is the power coming back?” she demands. Suddenly Eskom executives are blurting out confessions, including that one guy who accidentally unplugged something at head office. If anyone can fix this place, it’s her.

Deadpool, naturally, would thrive. He’d probably be at Comic Con Africa, blending in with cosplayers while sipping a Castle Lite and mocking everyone who thought they spotted “the real Deadpool.” He’d take selfies with random people, photobomb influencers, and probably start a fight with a guy dressed as Pikachu. It’s chaos, but it’s his chaos.

Even Aquaman wouldn’t get off lightly. Everyone pictures him commanding the seas, but let’s be honest—South African beaches would humble him quickly. He’d pop up dramatically out of the waves at Muizenberg, only to get bowled over by a surfer. At Durban beachfront, he’d be interrupted by kids with boogie boards and those aunties insisting he taste their bunny chow. Aquaman might rule Atlantis, but he’s got nothing on a lifeguard with a whistle and a plastic chair.

But here’s the kicker: maybe our superheroes wouldn’t need to save us from villains at all. Maybe their biggest battles would be the same as ours. Traffic that tests your soul. Load shedding that reduces even gods to candlelit board games. Bureaucracy that laughs in the face of superpowers. And isn’t that the strange beauty of it? If Batman, Superman, or Thor had to deal with the same nonsense we face every day, they’d probably realise what we already know: South Africans are superheroes in our own right. We endure the chaos, we laugh at it, and we find a way to keep going, even when the odds are stacked higher than Deadpool’s bar tab.

So next time you’re stuck in traffic, maybe don’t imagine you’re late for work. Imagine you’re Batman, saving Gotham one red robot at a time. When Eskom pulls the plug, picture Thor swearing under his breath with you. When you survive a Home Affairs visit, take your victory like Superman fresh out of a kryptonite bath. Because if comic book heroes lived here, they’d probably look at us and say, “Damn, these people already know what resilience really means.”

And if all else fails, at least we’ve got Deadpool at Comic Con to keep things interesting.