History’s Weirdest Sex Laws That Actually Existed

0 0

History books are full of kings, queens, wars and revolutions, but tucked away in the margins are the laws that reveal what people were really worried about: who was shagging who, how they were doing it, and whether God was watching. Humanity has always been obsessed with controlling sex, and the result has been centuries of laws so bizarre, so prudish, and so hysterical that reading them now feels like comedy. From bans on masturbation to fines for kissing in public, from courts trying to outlaw lust itself to entire towns legislating against what you do with your hands, this is the long, ridiculous tale of history’s weirdest sex laws.

Let’s start with masturbation, the solo act that has been called everything from “self-abuse” to “the devil’s handshake.” For centuries lawmakers and religious leaders treated it like the ultimate crime. In the 18th and 19th centuries, doctors warned that masturbation would lead to blindness, madness, hairy palms, or even death. This wasn’t just medical myth; it was written into law. In the US state of Connecticut in the 1600s, you could technically be executed for masturbation. Yes, executed. Imagine standing trial for wanking. “Your honour, he was caught red-handed.” “Guilty. Hang him at dawn.” Thankfully, nobody was actually hanged for it, but the law was there, dangling ominously over anyone who dared to have a quiet night in.

Kissing didn’t fare much better. In medieval Naples, if you were caught kissing in public you could be fined, flogged, or worse. In England under Puritan rule, kissing in church was a crime punishable by imprisonment. Imagine being locked up because you couldn’t resist a cheeky snog during communion. Even in modern times, remnants of this prudishness survive. In 1907, a law in Wisconsin fined people $5 for kissing in public. In Indonesia today, kissing in public can still get you arrested. And yet, somehow, politicians kissing babies for votes has always been fine. Go figure.

Then there were the anti-sodomy laws, which stretched across centuries and continents, criminalising same-sex love, anal sex, and anything outside the missionary position. In Britain, homosexuality was illegal until 1967, and men like Oscar Wilde were literally jailed for it. In the US, sodomy laws remained on the books until the Supreme Court struck them down in 2003. For centuries, entire lives were destroyed because lawmakers could not handle the idea of someone enjoying something outside their own bedroom script. These laws reveal not morality but fear — fear of difference, fear of pleasure, fear of losing control over bodies they thought they owned.

But wait, it gets weirder. In ancient Greece, men were fined if they performed oral sex on women too often. Why? Because it was seen as undignified and degrading. A respectable man was supposed to be on the receiving end, not the giving end. Ancient Athens had rules about who could penetrate who, with social hierarchies mapped onto sex acts like an org chart from hell. Meanwhile, in the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church produced penitential manuals listing sins and their punishments, and they got very specific. Different positions came with different penances. Doggystyle might mean fasting for a week. Oral sex could earn you months of prayer. Anal? Eternal damnation. Missionary was basically the only thing that got a pass, and even then, only if you were trying to make a baby. Sex for pleasure was seen as suspicious. If you were enjoying yourself too much, you were doing it wrong.

America, ever the land of contradictions, produced some of the wildest sex laws of all. In Michigan, it was once illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission, because her hair was considered part of her sexual allure and therefore his property. In North Carolina, it was technically illegal for unmarried couples to live together until 2006. In Massachusetts, adultery is still punishable by up to three years in prison, though you’d be hard pressed to find anyone actually jailed for it. The real kicker? In Alabama, it was illegal to sell vibrators until 2008. You could buy guns, you could buy alcohol, but God forbid you buy a dildo. Shops got around the law by labelling them “novelty items” or “educational devices.” Imagine the shame of explaining that your vibrator was “for science.”

Asia and Africa have their share of bizarre laws too. In the Maldives, it is illegal for unmarried couples to even share a hotel room. In Sudan, women have been flogged for wearing trousers, under laws that equate modesty with morality. In Dubai, couples have been arrested for kissing on the beach. And until recently, in South Korea, adultery was actually a criminal offence punishable by prison. Hundreds of people were jailed for cheating on their spouses. Which means somewhere, someone sat in a cell thinking, “Was it worth it?”

Even animals weren’t spared. Bestiality has been criminalised in almost every culture, but some laws took it to surreal levels. In medieval Europe, if you were caught in the act with a goat or a cow, the animal would be executed too. Both man and beast would be put on trial, and if found guilty, the poor creature was slaughtered as punishment for being a “partner in crime.” Imagine being the lawyer tasked with defending a sheep in court. “Your honour, my client was coerced.” History is equal parts tragic and ridiculous.

And then there are the laws that tell us more about lawmakers’ fantasies than public morality. In 18th century France, there were rules against women wearing pants, because trousers were considered too sexual. In Italy, kissing someone’s hand too long was considered a crime of passion. In Guam, it is reportedly legal for men to be paid to deflower virgins, because it was assumed no husband would want the job. That one might be more urban legend than real statute, but the fact that it even circulates tells you everything about how absurd sex laws can be.

What ties all these weird laws together is fear. Fear of bodies, fear of pleasure, fear of losing control. Lawmakers throughout history have tried to legislate lust, to turn desire into crime, to stamp out the messy, chaotic, sweaty joy of sex. And it never worked. People kept masturbating, kept kissing, kept loving who they wanted, kept inventing new ways to defy prudishness. The laws stand now as fossils of fear, absurd reminders of how desperate humans were to police the unpoliceable.

Today we laugh at them, but some of these laws still exist, buried in dusty books, occasionally dusted off by a prosecutor with too much time on their hands. Which is why it matters to remember them. They are warnings that pleasure will always be seen as dangerous by someone, somewhere. They are proof that sex is not just about bodies, but about power. And they are, frankly, some of the funniest, most outrageous stories history has to offer.

So the next time someone tells you sex is shameful, remind them that people once thought masturbation could kill you, that kissing in church could land you in jail, that selling a vibrator was considered a crime, that goats once stood trial in medieval courts. And then laugh. Because the truth is, sex has always been bigger than laws, messier than rules, freer than any system that tries to cage it. Lust always leaks through the cracks. And thank fuck for that.