Creating a God: The Holy Order of The Claw

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Lo and behold, a new religion is stirring the pot, a religion that aims to sculpt its deity in the flesh – rather, the exoskeleton. Meet ‘The Holy Order of The Claw,’ an emergent faith that may not yet have passed your radar. Their celestial embodiment? The one and only – Lobster.

What’s this about then? Well, it’s an order growing faster than fungi in a forest, wholly dedicated to ‘The Clawed One,’ the sacred crustacean and the divine ‘Molter of Life.’ A lobster – yeah, you heard right!

This order opens its arms to one and all, embracing diversity like a mother embraces her newborn. Concurrently, they’re striving to paint the world in brighter hues – primarily for lobsters, but who knows, right?

So let’s get down to brass tacks. What exactly is this ‘Holy Order of The Claw,’ and how does the lobster factor into the equation? Their lofty ambition involves assisting lobsters in achieving ideal conditions for perpetual growth. You see, lobsters don’t keel over due to old age like we do; they just keep growing and growing.

Could that imply that with sustained assistance, over the span of generations, we might see the rise of a living, breathing deity? The veritable kraken of the crustacean world?

Their Facebook page, playfully captioned ‘plans to create and worship our leviathan lobster god,’ already has a legion of over 144 thousand followers, all eager to plunge into this arcane journey, learning and evolving alongside a budding community.

Their Facebook manifesto states the following: ‘Lobsters never stop growing and don’t succumb to old age. They only die when they become too large to moult properly. We aim to aid a lobster through multiple moults over generations and create a leviathan god. In this space, we chart the birth and ascent of our deity. Creatures bearing magic blood are clearly descended from the gods.’

Now, the Clawed One, or ‘The Holy Shellfishness,’ transcends our pedestrian notions of gender. This deity is above our archaic constructs, making any attempt to pigeonhole them into a gender a sin against the faith.

This unusual order has eight Holy Clawmandments, which include treating others as they would wish to be treated, practising self-love, recycling, and minimizing pollution. Another rule is the ceremonial consumption of lobster, leaving a portion for the Lord Lobster as an offering. Oh, and one more thing – No raw broccoli on Thursday!

Although the Holy Order of The Claw isn’t a registered religious entity (yet), the interwebs are abuzz with potential implications – it’s been a fertile breeding ground for jokes and memes (and maybe giant-sized lobsters!).

And so it begins, like most religions – with a dream, a story, a vision, and a community. As to what’s next for these fledgling members of the Holy Order of The Claw, well, only the tides will tell. But I do wholeheartedly wish them the best in their quest for their leviathan lobster god.

PS: There’s quite a bit of options to consider if you want to worship a new crustacean being: