Dear Universe, Cosmos, God, Fate, Whatever You Are,
I do not know how to start this except to say: I am confused. This past year has been a whirlwind in the way that whirlwinds are supposed to be terrifying, except I have somehow survived it, and now I am standing on the other side wondering if I am supposed to feel victorious or just tired or both.
There were moments that felt like wins. Moments where I thought I was finally understanding the plot of my own life. There were moments that felt like losses. Moments where I questioned everything, including whether I was capable of getting anything right. Most of the time, it was just confusing. Most of the time, I was just moving forward because that was the only direction available.
And now I am here, at the threshold of something new, and I have no idea what it is.
I used to think that meant I was failing. I used to think that by this point in my life, I would have a plan. I would know where I was going. I would have the next five years mapped out in a colour-coded spreadsheet, which is absurd when I think about it now, because life does not work in colour-coded spreadsheets. Life works in confusion and surprise and taking a left turn when you meant to go right and somehow ending up exactly where you needed to be.
So here is what I am learning: I am going to surrender. Not in the way that sounds like giving up. In the way that sounds like finally exhaling after holding your breath for a very long time.
I am going to trust that the things I cannot control are perhaps not supposed to be controlled. I am going to believe that the parts of my life that seem contradictory or confusing or just plain wrong might actually be leading somewhere. I do not understand the map, but I am going to trust that there is one.
I am going to give everything I have. Not to the plan, because I do not have one. But to the moments. To showing up fully when I am present. To being honest when I want to hide. To trying even when I am terrified of failing. To staying open even when it would be easier to close off.
I am going to stop fighting the rhythm of life and try, instead, to dance with it. Even when the music sounds strange. Even when I do not recognise the song. Even when I am stepping on my own feet and looking ridiculous.
Here is what I believe, and I am saying it out loud because maybe that makes it true: you work in my favour. Not always in ways I understand. Not always in ways that feel good when they are happening. But you are not actively working against me. The universe is not my enemy. The cosmos is not conspiring to make me fail. Even when things feel like failures, they are just redirects. They are just the universe saying, “Not that way. This way.”
I can accept mystery. I can live with not knowing. I can stand at the edge of uncertainty and choose to step forward anyway because the alternative is paralysis, and I am tired of being paralysed.
I am ready for what comes next. Not because I am fearless, but because I have decided that fear is not a good enough reason to stop. I am ready to be surprised. I am ready to be challenged. I am ready to discover parts of myself I did not know existed. I am ready to fail publicly and learn privately and grow in ways I cannot anticipate.
I am grateful. For the year that broke me open. For the moments that confused me. For the people who stayed. For the people who left and taught me something about myself. For the quiet mornings when I finally understood something I had been struggling with. For the difficult conversations that hurt but mattered. For the universe working in ways I cannot see.
I do not have all the answers. I probably never will. But I have this: an open heart, a willingness to try, and faith that even when I cannot see the path, I am exactly where I need to be.
So here I am. Ready. Willing. Terrified and brave at the same time, which I think is the only honest way to be.
Thank you for the mystery. Thank you for the unknown. Thank you for trusting me with uncertainty.
I am ready to see what happens next.
Forever grateful, even when I do not understand,
Me
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