I’m just going to say it—your cat thinks you’re an idiot. Don’t get defensive, they think we all are. You, me, the dog next door, the neighbour who waters plastic plants. In fact, they’ve held this belief since day one, from the moment you waved a string around like a circus clown and declared, “She loves this!” No, Susan. She’s plotting your demise.
Now, I’m not here to shame you. I live with a cat, too. His name is Mr Whiskerface and he’s been disappointed in me since 2017. And yet, despite his soul-piercing stares and dramatic sighs, I feed him, clean his loo, and pretend not to care that he’s clearly the boss of the house. The thing is, cats know they’re better than us. And here’s the kicker—they might actually be right.
1. You Can’t Even Hunt
Let’s start with the obvious. When was the last time you caught your own dinner with your bare hands, bit into its neck, and proudly left half of it on the carpet for someone else to clean up? That’s right. Never. Meanwhile, your cat has (at least once) caught a gecko, chased a bird through a closed window, or gifted you a mutilated moth. You responded by screaming and fetching a dustpan. Verdict: Idiot.
2. You Talk Too Much
Cats communicate with subtle ear twitches, slow blinks, and tail flicks. Meanwhile, you’re blabbering on in full sentences about your day at work. Your cat hears, “Blah blah Kevin from HR blah blah spreadsheet,” and silently wonders how you made it this far in life. They respond with a blink. You interpret it as affection. It’s actually disbelief.
3. You’re Obsessed with Cleanliness
Your cat literally licks its own butt and then licks your face. And yet, it watches you use scented soaps, antibacterial wipes, and three different shampoos like you’re part of a nervous grooming cult. You scoop their litter box daily, while they proudly bury their crimes in it. If anyone is overcompensating for something, it’s you.
4. You Close Doors
You’d think after the 12th time your cat yowled outside the bathroom, you’d understand—they hate closed doors. It’s not about what’s behind the door. It’s about the fact that you made a decision without consulting the Council of Cat. You wouldn’t slam a boardroom door in your boss’s face, would you? Because that’s what you just did.
5. Your Food Is Tragic
Let’s be honest. You eat tofu. Or microwave meals. Or sad-looking kale with lemon juice. Meanwhile, your cat’s dining on a curated diet of salmon pâté and slow-cooked chicken mousse. They sniff your plate, recoil in horror, and stare at you like you just failed a basic human instinct. “You chose this?” their eyes say. “On purpose?”
6. You Sleep Weird Hours
Cats nap twenty-two hours a day, in a rotation of warm sunny spots, freshly folded laundry, and your laptop keyboard. You, on the other hand, force yourself up at 6am, drink boiling bean water, and groan about being tired all day. You don’t even stretch properly. Your cat’s been doing yoga since birth.
7. You Keep Buying Toys That Suck
Let me tell you something painful: your cat hates that R300 laser-pointer-fish-feather hybrid you bought. What they really want? That one broken shoelace from 2007. Or the inside of a cardboard box. Your attempts to entertain them are like a toddler putting on a puppet show for Shakespeare.
8. You Try to Bathe Them
There are entire YouTube channels dedicated to watching humans attempt to bathe their cats. Every time you turn on that tap, your cat silently rewrites you out of their will. They see your bath rituals as waterboarding. This is not how royalty is treated, Karen.
9. You Fall for Emotional Manipulation (Theirs)
Cats fake affection like theatre kids on opening night. One moment they’re nuzzling your hand, the next they’ve clawed you for breathing wrong. And you? You still coo and give them a treat. Who’s playing who here?
10. You Can’t Land on Your Feet
Literally and metaphorically. Cats jump from six-foot shelves and land gracefully. You tripped over a power cord and cried about your shin for 45 minutes. Cats have backup plans. You can’t even find your car keys half the time.
11. You Share Too Much on the Internet
Your cat never agreed to be a meme. Yet here you are, posting photos of them with captions like, “Mood.” They’re not amused. In fact, they’re plotting a power cut next time you livestream. The Wi-Fi password is not safe.
12. You Don’t Understand the Importance of Sunbeams
Cats are solar-powered. You, however, sit in dark rooms staring at glowing rectangles. If your cat had thumbs, they’d slap the laptop shut and guide you to the couch under the window. “Here,” they’d say. “Recharge, idiot.”
13. You Keep Getting Emotional
Cats don’t cry over breakups. They don’t rage-post. They don’t spiral over unread WhatsApp messages. Your emotional meltdowns are deeply confusing. Your cat’s version of a crisis is discovering the food bowl is only 95% full. Grow up.
14. You Don’t Listen
Every time your cat meows, flicks their tail, or slinks across the counter at 3am, they’re telling you something. You don’t listen. You think they’re “being weird.” That’s rich coming from someone who once tried to decode a horoscope for dating advice.
15. You’re Not Even Trying Anymore
They’ve watched you eat cereal for dinner, wear the same hoodie for five days, and sleep through your alarm with the desperation of a defeated sea creature. Your cat expects better. They demand excellence. You’ve failed them.
Final Thoughts
Look, it’s not that your cat hates you. On the contrary—they’ve chosen you. Out of all the baffling bipeds on Earth, they’ve decided you are worthy of cohabiting their kingdom. But don’t mistake this for respect. You are the unpaid help. The staff. The emotional support human with limited brainpower but an unlimited snack budget.
So next time your cat looks at you like you’ve dropped the ball again… it’s because you probably have. But it’s okay. You’re still their idiot. And that counts for something.
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