1000 Hilarious Ways To Say Penis

Hold onto your hats and maybe your pants! Whether you call it the “Sticky Taster,” “Captain Winky,” or even “Mr. Sniffles” (who came up with that one?!), if you’ve got one, you know things are about to take a wild and wacky turn. Some proud ‘Penis’ owning individuals have pet names for their little (or not so little) buddy down under. Maybe it’s a self-coined moniker, a popular slang, or just a bizarre exclamation someone once blurted out during an unexpected trouser snake sighting.

Now, I took one for the team and dove deep, very very deep, into the wild web. And let me tell you, typing “Penis” into a search bar? It’s like opening Pandora’s box of well… PENIS! I’ve seen things, folks. Things that can’t be unseen. I might need therapy or at least a long nap. But hey, I did the dirty work so you could stay pure and innocent. All in the name of uncovering the most hilarious and eyebrow-raising nicknames for those midnight joy-riders and their Tinder and Grindr escapades! ?

So what do i have for you? 1000 ways to refer to the guy down under, the spitting cobra of sorts… Whoa, 1000 names? YES, That’s a lot of creativity and probably a few chuckles! I’m ready to get right into this epic list of trouser snake titles. And while I don’t have personal preferences, I’m sure I can highlight some that might tickle the human funny bone. So let’s read about some more names for your Johnson…

(Take a look at my list of 1000 Hilarious Ways to Say Vagina here)

Groin Gouger
Pork Whistle
Purple Pneumatic Drill
Choad
Joystick
Peen
Tubesnake
Spitting Cobra
Schlort
Plonker
Shrinky Dink
The D
Womb Broom
Vagina Miner
Mr. Sniffles
Taco Warmer
Vlad the Impaler
Vomit Rod
Clam Hammer
Mutton Dagger
Gash Mallet
Sludge Pump
Uncle Reamus
Woody Womb Pecker
Lincoln Log
Cervix Crusader
Piss Pump
Cheeky Monkey
Puff the One-Eyed Dragon
Dinky
John Thomas
Peeper
Thrill Drill
Pink Tractor Beam
Yoo-Hoo
Russel the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel
Dome Head
Captain Winky
Agent Hosepipe
Squinty Blow-pop
Old Man Drizzle
The Goods
Wrinklebeast
Elevator
Private Washington Monument
The Pendulum
Gods Pinkey Finger
Puking Flesh Weasel
Tadpole Torpedo
Sin Stick
Rolling Pin
Satan Scepter
Temptation Turtle
Fat Kidney
Magic Pipe
Cupids Arrow
Drizzle Spout
Love Lure
Satan’s Shovel
Musky Man Candy
Tickle Badger
Mr. Missile
Man Telescope
Mr. Happy
Lap Lizard
Friction Whistle
Atomic Turtle
Mr. Bojangles
Boney Macaroni
Firecracker
Dirty Dowsing Rod
Baby Leg
Pocket Shot Glass
Spring-Loaded Nose-Slapper
The Ugliest Flower
Erector
Fuck Piston
Finger Food
Thermonuclear Rod
Fountain of “Youth”
Twinkie
Denim Narwhal
Hershey Bar
Submarine
Loveworm
Laugh Stick
Flex Rod
Musk Handle
Fuck Geyser
Joker
Suppository
Apple Headed Beef Basher
Goat Bumper
A Bad Place To Snort Coke
Puff Stick
Center Sweat Stain
Sergeant Slaughter
Tirpitz
The Middle Muffin-Top
The Business End
It
Bald Butler
Bathtub Eel
Blood Sausage
Dearest Member
Fiddle-Bow
Giggle Pin
Gut Stick
Poo-Flicker
Dangus
Bean Tosser
Bone-Horn
Gristle
Jigger
Joy Knob
Life Preserver
Gash Hook
Mr. Clean
Nimrod
Pink Pencil
Live Sausage
My Body’s Captain
Pisser
Quickening Peg
Red Cap
Scepter
Tickle-Gizzard
Willie
Cupids Torch
Quiver Steak
Stump
Hunchback of Notre Dame
Milk Straw
Acorn Top
Yogurt Truck
The De-Virginator
The Monolith
Doughnut Holder
Beefy Ent
Thunder Piston
Spam Obelisk
Chum Rod
Jumbotron
Man Puppet
Muscle Bound Shit Wrecker
Genghis Cock
Baby Batter Blaster
Red Hot Toy
Mr. Hornbag
Little Engine That Could
Inflatable Poo-Jabber
Admiral Winkey
The Intruder
Bean Stalk
Hangy-Downy
Jimmy Dean
Leaning Tower
Bed Snake
Dr. Feelgood
Wiggly Pogo-Stick
Pee-Wee Herman
Beard-Splitter
Purple Turkey Baster
Sour Cream Rifle
Sweet Meat
Blue Steel
Blood Slug
Salty Drizzle-Stick
Cum Gutter
The Giving Tree
Bow-Legged Swamp Donkey
The Ramburglar
Scepter of Sordid Affairs
Regurgitator
E.T.’s Finger
Meaty Maelstrom
Trickle Torpedo
Blowpop
Wrinklestiltskin
Spray Stick
Pringle’s Tube
Sriracha Dripper
Choady McMeatstick
Veiny Straw
Drippy Paintbrush
Angry Buffet
The Eviscerator
Tootsie Pop
Holy Grail
Tremble Wand
The Last Unicorn
Fuck Slug
Transformer
Fat Stick
Flesh Hawk
A Shitty Vibrator
Flamingos Beak
Dough Boy
Spice Shaker
Pleasure Bud
The Spanish Inquisition
Bumble Muffin
Crotch Paddle
Pool Stick
Genetic Faucet
Legwarmer
Drill Sergeant
Toucan’s Beak
The Hole-Hungry Crotch Crocodile
General McSexy
Antenna With Shitty Reception
Dunce Hat
Lust Torch
Stink Twizzler
Piss Dispenser
One Flower Bouquet
Laser Splitter
Crunk Hammer
Pink Kink Handle
Floppy Meat Balloon
Jenga Tower
Hammy Toothpick
Spelunker
Goomba
Vein-Bow
Grunty Grunty Thrust Thrust
Coiled Serpent
Inside-the-Pants-Belt
Snow Globe
Flesh Auger
Sticky Ass-Spackler
Giggly Goblin
Pork Lance
Man Missile
Cock
Dick
Dangle
Dong
Schlong
Johnson
Cannon
Flesh Flute
Hairy Banjo
Knee Buckler
Throat Scraper
Ding-Dong-Dangly
Toilet Parts
Pee-Pee
One-Eyed Yogurt Thrower
The Troll
Purple-Headed Man Monster
Pecker
Weiner
Pressure Washer
Inchworm
Tool
Pussy Pounder
Bat
Pelvic Popsicle
The Oncoming Storm
Sonic Screwdriver
The Whip
Assault Rifle
Pork Blade
Beef Hammer
Mjolnir
Hulk’s Fist
Milk Dripper
Man Drain
Excalibur
Gong-Ringer
My Manly Popsicle
Meat Stick
Pleasure Pogo
Cum Cannon
Panty Poker
The Grand Finale
Banana
Ol’ Drippy
Red Headed Throb Monster
Thunderstick
Hotrod
Dongmongulous
Lightning Catcher
Thruster
The Ol’ Aim N’ Shoot
Salty Steve
Manly Cigar
Pearl Jamer
Baby-Maker
The Oscar Meyer Weenie
Battle Ax
The Alpha
The Omega
Blaster
Shaft
Furry Snake
Escape Rope
Symphony of Regret
Droopy Baguette With Cheese
Greasy Fish
Throbknob
Philly Cheese-steak
Pleasure Machine
The Male Reproductive Organ
Dirty Mushroom
Pistol
My Best Friend
Slytherin
Red Rocket
Fanny Slapper
Woman Maker
Winkey Badger
Veiny Cucumber
The Bulge
Cattle Prod
Third Leg
Crotch Rocket
The Key to the Lock
Crotch Slapper
Pork Steeple
Trouser Snake
Nose In the Beard
Cucumber
Lil’ Winkey
Jack in the Box
Man Bits
Dead Eye Sam
Sad Larry
Dirty Ice Cream Cone
Electric Boogaloo
Ice Pick
Meat-hose
Pipe Cleaner
Piddle Fiddle
Pleasure Rod
Love Shaft
Sexy Suppository
Vesuvius
The Reason I Have All of Those Children That I Hate
Milk Hose
Dangle Blaster
Floppy Fish
Man-Motor
Woman-Slayer
Bungee Smuggler
Package
Flesh Saber
Eye Dropper
Lumpy
Dipstick
00-Dong
Mr. Meowsworth
Gonadulous
Grave Digger
Suckshroom
Tallywhacker
Handy Hammer
A Real Love Handle
Masturbation Motor
Long N’ Girthy
One Color Rainbow
The Spreader
Power Point
Terms and Conditions
Hairy Pen
Wankhammer
Juicy Dribbler
Rabid Dog
Dongzilla
Dongasaurous Rex
Filler
Jelly Roll
Cream-Filling Cannon
The Lone Warrior
Front Tail
Fleshy Bong
A Bad Seat
An OK Seat
A Damned Good Start
Target
Sweatsicle
Quiver Bone
Man Clit
Jiggly Wiggly
Man Nugger
Half of a Good Time
The Devils Own Microphone
Juicer
Wang
Diddle-Whistle
Six Inch Soldier
Lipstick
Stay Pufft
Ol’ Faithful
Pop-Tart
Salty Geyser
Flop Trout
Pork Pipe
Phallus
The Beast
Pope of Pork
Titty-Tickler
Soft Knife
“Deep Impact”
Pecker-Corn
Droopy Dog
Crotch Compass
Dirty Jammer
Voldemort’s Missing Nose
Seamen Spitter
Crotch Mounted Regret Cannon
Dirty Thermometer
Toe Scratcher
Long Dong Sliver
Ass Injector
Adult Erector Set
Lord Commander Groinulous
Little (Insert Your Own Name Here)
Fleshy Pacifier
Meat Straw
Cherry Popper
Kaleidoscope of Pleasure
Pink Floyd
Blood Balloon
Italian Stallion
Mangler
Drumstick
Slippery Salmon
Fuckstick
Suckstick
Count Dickula
Lord Commander of the Southern Forces
Lethal Injection
Crucidix
Beef bottle
Crank
Whoopi-Maker
Corn On The Cob
Lady Gag-you
Hot Beef Injection
Slammin’ Salmon
Shagger
Handle
Meat Storm
Fucknado
Buttery Slopstick
Captain Suck
Source of the Local Syphilis Outbreak
Urchin
Succulent Sausage
Meat-Lolly
One Eyed Man
Clit-Clapper
Moses
Wolly Manmoth
Veiny Girth
Growth
Goldenrod
Furry Fuzz-Fucker
Organic Sausage
Natural Second Nose
Festering Growth
Mandana
Man Horn
Honky-Honky
The Elder Wand
My Rifle
The Fibonacci Sequence
Holy Grail
Tripod
Colgate
Ineffective Scope
Teeth Whitener
Whistle
Warp Pipe
Purple Warrior
Erected Evolution
Vaginal Sunrise
Clitoral Plunger
Buckeye
Browneye Stinger
Boa Constrictor
Colon Plugger
Web Slinger
Poo Miner
Queef Creator
Hornets Sting
Spikey-Back Turtle-Dragon
Shroomy
Cake Penetrator
Laser Pointer
Sock Stiffener
Bullship
The Speculum
Mighty Blade
Curved Majesty
Ganker
D-Battery
Starscream
Bazooka
Bush Snake
Master Sword
Pants Boomerang
Monkey
Upright Base
Bunker Buster
Deep Digger
Smile Spreader
A Cursed Relic
Wiggle Worm
X-Rated Toothpick
Tic-Tac
Mayonnaise Factory
Thunderhorse
Vaginal Speculum
Tube of Mascara
Crack Assailant
Stick of Sexy Dynamite
Crying Cyclops
Sock Cruster
Ol’ Fisty
Second Brain
Adrenaline Shot
Herp Head
Little Fucker
Adventure Worm
Corkscrew
Bad Bottle of Wine
Flaming Face Slapper
Rage Burrower
Rock Em Sock Em Robot
Thunderous Whip of Transcendent Fury
Head of Public Relations
Diamond Cracker
Loch Ness Monster
Passion Twizzler
Back Door Pass
Filthy Spelunker
Slippery Snake
Half a Necklace
Eighth Wonder of the World
Fury Monkey
The Conqueror
Showerhead
Colossus of Rhodes
Sex Reactor
Lust Powered Coat Hanger
The Blood God Atrofax
Weedle
Curved Candle
Crotch Slayer
Devourer of Worlds
Life Sprinkler
Golden Spigot
Fuckarina of Time
Old Frothy
Bulge Sculptor
Pixy Stick
Silk Snake
One Color Paintbrush
Gandalf’s Staff
The Zipper-Caged Creature
Booby-Basher
Bologna Bandit
Trout-Trident
Tent Pole
Slippery Love Dolphin
Giraffe Neck
Grunt Rod
9-Iron
The Albino Cave Dweller
Hymen Hammer
2X4
Beef Scarf
Battering Ram
Groot
DNA Catapult
Earthworm Jim
Elephant Trunk
Iguana
Face Hugger
Midget Chaser
Honey Dripper
Hot Pocket
The Riddler
Magic Mountain
Metapod
Junk In the Jeans
Key Part of the Male Reproductive System
Kickstand
Lambshank
Mount St. Helens
Mustache Cleaner
One Rung Ladder
Squirtle
Rainstick
Hairless Ferret
Lance of Love
Railgun
Weapon of Ass Destruction
The One Headed Hydra
Mt. Everest
Monkey String
Little Guy
Tan Banana
Sparkle Bolt
Third Eye Sam
Toothpaste Tube
Glue Stick
Main Drain
Daddy’s Hand Gun
Mighty Unicorn Horn
The Whomping Willow
Monument
The One Balloon That Doesn’t Match
Thick Brick
Rainbow Maker
Rip Van Winkey
Twiddle Rhombus
Saucy Noodle
Sting Ray
Chasm Closer
The Really Big Lebowski
Redwood
Uncle Touchy’s Happy Stick
Girth Rocket
Velvit Python
An Upright Citizen
Thrill Drill
Wind Waker
Blunderbuss
The Last Action Hero
Lifeline
Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
Gollum
Gleaming Love Blade
The Fate of Many
Eiffel Tower
Dude Piston
Drooling Badger
Carnage Wurm
Buckshot
Ham Dragon
The Dark Knight
Shake-Weight
Angry Llama
Fury Faucet
A Very Painful Seatbelt
Apple Head
Sham-WOW!
Under the Covers Crusader
Thrill Mill
Father of Dragons
Pump Action Shotgun
Trans-Pantslantic Cable
Sweaty Suck-Stick
Mentos and Coke
Little Dovahkiin
Mightiest Tree In the Forest
Splooge Saber
Flesh Root
Ham Branch
Spunk Catapult
Smokeless Peace Pipe
Charcoal Stick
One String Guitar
Twig and Berries
Sticky Cigar
Love Lure
The Man Behind the Curtain
The Long Hand On the Pants Clock
The Lone Ranger
Denim Ferret
Gorilla Vine
Sushi Roll
Wii-Mote
Tremble Tumor
My Fleshy Friend
Strawberry Ice Cream Cone
Didjeri-Don’t
Cougar Rifle
Christmas Ornaments
Zamboni Bologna
Commander In Jeans
Quick-Scope
The North Pole
The Pen That Never Runs Out Of Ink
Wickless Candle
Flop-Handle
The Little Bruce Willis That Lives In My Pants
Messy Burrito
Eye Of The Storm
Crazy-Glue Spigot
A Branch of the Man-Tree
Pneumatic Navel Nudger
Worlds Cheapest Bottle of Champagne
Cat’s Tail
Lotion Dispenser
The Short Crutch
Hibernating Bear
Bulgy Buddy
Defender of the City
The South Pole
Radio Tower
Pants Muffler
The Exactly-In-The-Middle Pole
Fuzz Baton
My Personal Stradovarious
Ovary Observer
The Thundering Overseer
Lord of the Halls of Madness
Angry Aardvark
The Sappy Oak
The Weeping Willow
Jizzstick
Cum-Breathing Dragon
Syphilis Saber
Monkey Fist
Hammer of Dawn
Bulgy Bugle
Wrinkly Crutch
Demon of the South Side
Groin Ninja
Buddy Buddha
Volcano
The Folly of Man
Vagina Plug
Light Saber
One Nostril Nose Plug
Spring Loaded Semen Sprayer
Dickapult
Trebuchet With Very Disconcerting Ammunition
Snake With the Lazy Eye
Respectable Gentleman
Little Guy With the Least Fashionable Turtle-Neck Sweater of All Time
Harbinger of the End Times
Apollyon, Lord of Flies
Crows Nest
Wormtail
Defiler of Many
Big Floppy
Slim Jim
Sword of Michael
Booty Bumper
Cocktail Peanut
Worlds Smallest Violin
Bar of Kryptonite
Lord Humongous
Mad Max
The Kingslayer
You-Know-Who
Guardian Angel With a Substance Abuse Problem
Personal Baseball Bat
Lord of Light
Abominable Snowdick
Professor XXX
Butthole Bandit
Space Needle
Fury of the River
Reason to Consult a Medical Professional
Walking Stick
Branch of Eternity
A Bad Place to Shoot-Up Heroin
Key to Your Dreams
Friendly Downstairs Neighbor
Binky
Cave Troll
Smeagol
Zip-Code Extender
Back Scratcher
Proof God Has a Sense of Humor
Stimulus Package
Peacemaker
The Frothy Frigate
Edward Norton in “American History X“
Pork Pawn
Fuzz Nugget
Bubble Blower
USB Stick
Herpes Hammer
Pug Face
Gash Diver
The Troll of Thigh Valley
Plaster Blaster
Biscuit Brisket
Rectal Wrecker
Yoo-Hoo
Vaginal Eviscerator
Twat Fodder
The Banana Cannon
Catcher In the Snatch
Throat Cork
Needler
Cunt Cockula
Fappling Gun
Quelaags Fury Sword
The Blister Pistol
The Mommy Maker
Pull Up Bar
The Juicer
Splooge McDuck
Dragon’s Tooth
Bone Club
Boner-rang
Pussy Pulverizer
Snatch Ratchet
The Alien
Wife Gagger
Pink Xenomorph
The White Whale of the Denim Seas
Black Mamba
Cinnamon Stick
The Colonels Drumstick
The Human Centipede
Butt Snake
The Horn of Gondor
The Yeast Feaster
Wild Hog
Khal Drogo
The Tree of Life
Man Root
Fruit Bearer
The Tree of Forbidden Fruit
The Grand Slamwich
Carpet Cleaner
Mount Doom
Pinkey and the Brain
Fuck Maker
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be Named
Clam Skewer
Sour Creme Production Facility
Angler Dangler
Highway to the Danger Zone
The Septapalegic Octopus
Pillar of Awesome
Flayer of Mortals
Beanie Baby
Snowpiercer
Aux Cord
Duck Call
Thunderous Tootsie-Roll
Personal “On” Switch
Weeping Monkey
Worlds Least Appropriate Crucifix
Face Blaster
Tongue Twister
Steve Buscemi’s Face
The Jowliest Old Man
Pants Politician
Pocket Jedi
Number One Pencil
Gobble Throttle
Fuck Loaf
A Tastier Fruit Cake
A Classy Institution
Mayonnaise Pipeline
The Mainline To Dirty-Town
An Incomplete Hula-Hoop
Butt Scratcher
Flesh-Zeppelin
Eye Piercer
Slippy
Period Plugger
Escape Rope
Booty Rattle
The Ol’ “S” Hook
Pearl Necklace Provider
Fist of Fury
Groin Graboid
The Eternal Eviscerator
An Unconvincing Mustache
Hammer of God
Sploogy Sharpshooter
A Whole Lump of Regret
Baby-Batter-Blaster
Angel of Awesome
Gonorrhea Giver
Bearded Logger
Creature of the Night
Impractical Paintbrush
Love Belcher
Pork Spatula
The Star Spangled Banger
The Juice Crew
Fur Blimp
Hooker Hammer
Grounds For Divorce
Jericho Missile
Cinnamon Biscuit
Tapioca Tap
Problem For the Local Zoning Commission
Trouser Tsunami
Rip-Chord
Parental Distillery
Crash Course In Bad Decisions
Greasy Gator
Beefeater
Sperm Spraying Whale
Fire Spout
Pleasure Gavel
Zipper Constrictor
No-Knuckle Pants Finger
Bigfoot
Smelly Dwarf
Yellow Wine Dispenser
Furious Downstairs Neighbor
Crisco Stick
Derier Defiler
Mayor of Pants City
Liquid Almost-Baby Faucet
Ham Tube
Jimmy-Jam
Below the Belt Bacon Beast
Long Pig
Rocket-Top Bottle
Tongue Tester
Baby-Making Bop-It
Giggle Handle
Manly Shrub-Hub
The Actual Shocker
Sticky Taser
Personal Piglet
Hairy Houdini
Throb Fairy
Colonel Crotchy, Commander of the Southern Armies
Ocarina of Slime
Shifty Wrinkle-Demon
Road to Pleasure
Goal-Post
Corpse Defiler
Filthy Fornicator
Small-Bore Rifle
Large Bore Rifle
Just Mind Bogglingly Girthy-Bore Rifle
The Larger Hand On Big Ben’s Clock
Meaty Bubble-Wand
Pork-Stalk
Chairman Of the Questionable Decisions Comity
Commander Rod
Drippy Puffer-Fish
Deep Personal-Space Probe
A Coke Bottle Just Waiting For the Mentos
Jimmy Dean Reject
Jean Steak
A Less Majestic Comet
Glory Gun
The Reason I Come Up With Shortcuts That Keep Us Away From Elementary Schools
Hairy How-Do-You-Do
The Hive Mind
General Throb
Worldstomper
Very Hot Topic
Juicy Man Steak
Batter Ram
Vomitous Mass
Mossy Sea Slug
Serpentine Surprise
Two-Direction Compass
Squish Sword
Weepy Cobra
Squirm-Handle
Fleshy Iceberg
A Rocket Ship to Destiny
The Brittlest Bone
Toxic Tourniquet
Vagina Monster
Lusty Love Lance
Mega Shark
The Whitest Walker
Glorious Peoples Leader
Mystery Meat
Conquerer of the Marshes
Key to the End Times
Brobdingnagian Bulge
Ranger Regret
The Faceless Man
Canyon Crasher
The Littlest Gentleman
Limited Depth Drilling Apparatus
Big Beefy Bastard
Romance Rod
Tunnel Snake
Connection to God
Worlds Shortest Fishing Pole
All-Star Breakfast
Frothy Flotilla
Syrupy Cylinder Waffle
Phantom of the Opera In Your Pants
Wiggle Finger
The Fast
The Furious
Apple On A Short Branch
Temporary Vaginal Piercing
Doctor Howler
Rump Plug
Future Destroyer
Gargle Gargoyle
Eye of the Pleasure-Storm
Penis

Whether you’re a fan of ‘Captain Winky’ or more of a ‘Mr. Sniffles’ lover, the world of phallic pseudonyms is vast and varied. But hey, why stop at a mere 1000? Let’s make the internet even weirder, one nickname at a time. So, help me out, drop your own hilarious, eyebrow-raising, or just plain bizarre names in the comments below. Let’s see what you got! ??