For something that contributes nothing towards rent, the penis has a remarkable amount of influence over a man’s life. It does not cook, it does not clean and it has never once remembered a birthday. Yet it carries itself like the lead in a blockbuster, demanding top billing and a dressing room with its name on the door.
So the real question is not why men are so invested in it. The real question is who is running its PR, because whoever it is deserves a raise.
A celebrity with no discernible talent
Most celebrities at least sing, act or fall over on reality television. The penis has built an empire on simply showing up. It has been carved into ancient statues, scribbled onto school desks across the country and doodled in the margins of more meeting notes than anyone would care to admit. That is not fame. That is a global campaign with an unlimited budget.
Like any star with a fragile ego, it also travels with an entourage. There is the internet, whispering about averages. There are films that set wildly unrealistic expectations. There are change rooms, where grown men suddenly develop a deep fascination with the ceiling. Somewhere in all of that noise, a perfectly ordinary body part was convinced it needed to be extraordinary.
The unsolicited press release
Every celebrity eventually leaks something they should not have. The penis has turned this into an art form. Nobody asked for the photograph. Nobody has ever asked for the photograph. Yet it arrives anyway, usually at 23:47, carefully lit and shot from an angle normally reserved for property brochures.
Here is what management refuses to hear: a flattering camera angle is not a personality. Neither is a filter. If the best thing you can send someone is a close up of your anatomy, the problem is not the lighting. The problem is the script.
Size anxiety and the tape measure myth
Underneath the jokes sits something less funny. Many men learn early on to tie their confidence to their anatomy. Bigger is better, smaller is shameful, and a few centimetres are somehow meant to decide whether you are a real man. We would never judge someone’s worth by the length of their elbow, yet here we are.
Most men worry far more about size than their partners ever do. Kindness, humour, attentiveness and the ability to hold a conversation without checking your phone rank considerably higher than anything a tape measure could tell you.
Time to fire the publicist
Perhaps it is time to give the penis a quieter career. Let it be what it is, a body part, not a brand. Confidence built on measurements will always be fragile, because someone always has a longer tape. Confidence that comes from being comfortable in your own skin, however it happens to be arranged, is far harder to shake.
So take the main character energy and share it around. Your brain deserves a speaking role. Your sense of humour deserves the spotlight. And your penis, frankly, deserves a holiday.
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